RIP Uncle Brian.

10/09/09 @ 3:30am.

That was one tough night in the ICU.
But we all stood by his bed as he passed.

So full from yesterdays binge. No room in me for breakfast or lunch.

When i feel a little better, ill start my long run for the day. I usually run 4-5 miles a day, but today will be around 7-8. Then chicken salad for dinner, maybe a fruit. 

Mike texted me this morning, "Good morning h____, thinkin of you." I havent replied & dont know if I will. I dont really want any contact before I see him on thurs/friday. Im tempted to get back together with him (esp cuz he's a weight loss trigger), but part of me knows i shouldnt. so I dont wana text back & forth to lead him on when im not sure. so i wont reply to his texts before i see him.

Matt, my ex-T, probably got my drunk voicemail this morning at his office. man. i really shouldnt have my phone on me when i drink. i deleted his office number off my phone, but i still have it memorized from calling them for 2-yrs. oh well, whatever. 

cant wait to go runninnnnggggg =]

im so BLAH right now. binged yesterday AND today.

mike = weight loss
no mike = binge + weight gain

i talked to him today. we got things cleared up & the "old friend" he was referring to was someone else. i dont 100% trust that he hasnt been w/ ginny, but i do believe the "old friend" he was telling me about. he had a childhood friend over who's now a full blown alcoholic. they got into a fist fight & mike ended up kicking him out. 

and he still wants me back. he claims that he's not w/ anyone. do i believe that? not sure. but i can tell he wants to be w/ me again. im not sure what to do. on one hand: it'll feel wrong, too much drinking w/ him, etc. the other hand: i lose weight when im w/ him, i binge when im not w/ him, he makes me feel good about myself, we have sooo much fun, he's hot (lol), and yeah. he's one of those guys that look 15 yrs younger than he really is. i wish he was ugly, that would help me to resist him, hah. 

anyways, ive been binging too much this weekend, so i said i'd see him later this week (thurs or fri). i left my $60 shorts and hair extensions at his place so im gona pick them up. not sure how our conversation will go yet. im not sure about anything right now, except that i can NOT ever gain weight. ive lost weight while i was w/ him & ive gained about 4-lbs this weekend and I HATE IT. it can not continue. talking to him will help w/ weight loss. 

so im torn. 

but bottom line, i want to keep losing weight.
thats most important.
mike helps me in that area.
but i shouldnt be officially his "girlfriend."
ill try to resist it all.

Things are okay these days. Different things going on w/ lots of people.

Finished real estate school & gona take the test in august. 

Friends are fun & meeting new people.

Havent drank in a while except for last night & binged on food, so today isnt a great day, but i know ill get back on track again. ive been losing more weight than gaining, so im not too panicked. But man, last night, i drunk called so many people... mark, matt (ex-T), peter (ex from 2005 who ive been ignoring for 1.5 yrs), vincent, and mike (the recent ex). mike didnt pick up so i left a voicemail. he texted this morning, "we can talk, i would like that." i replied, "what r u up to." he says "im takin an old friend to the bus station" .... aka- im back together w/ ginny & she stays w/ me everyday  & i take her to the bus station in the mornings so she can work, then we have sex at night. i KNOW its ginny, his stripper ex grlfriend. he always refers to her as an "old friend" and she always rides the bus. ha. oh well, i dumped him so i shouldnt care anyways. then peter... havent talked to him since dec 2007. but we had fun talkin last night & he's in cali right now. mixed feelings about him, miss him & hate him. whatevs. i know ill never ever date him again & havent since 2005. and matt, my ex-T... left a voicemail at his office... ugh,wish i hadnt done that. i just said "hi matt, its h___... im just callin cuz..." and i think the voicemail cut me off cuz i was so slow, lol. mark didnt answer. we were supposed to hangout today but no contact yet... so whatever. 

anyways, im sober again & dont plan to drink for a while. 

;alsdkjf... i dont know. 

i just wana go running outside all day. but i have to go to a BBQ soon... so i better go.

bye.

...

actually, ill just be late. whatever. i gotta let things out. i hate ginny. wtf. i hate mike. but whatever. i hate that matt disappeared on me without a goodbye. im over it, but it just sucks to think about it sometimes. he was so cool. but apparently, i was wrong. thats cool tho. since mike is gone & i have no official guy, ive been binging once a week & exercising alot daily. overall, it makes me lose weight, so whatever. im cool w/ it. i just hate the occasional binge, but at least i exercise daily. i like how mike runs to ginny the SECOND that im gone. its so funny. i like how my stomach is so big. its so hot. i like my family. theyre so... not annoying.

ugh sorry, im in a blah mood. 

whatever. 

its sunny outside. ill eat healthy @ BBQ, come home, and run. 

No Mike.

I binged Sunday & Monday & had 2 chocolate chip cookies today...

Mass running today & definitely again tomorrow.

I miss him a lot.

But wont go back.

Bleh. 

these days, im just busy w/ real estate licensing process & friends. Ive gotten back in touch w/ all my high school/college friends, so im catchin up w/ everyone. super fun, i love my friends. 

mike and i got back together on wed, but broke up again on friday. while we were together, i wanted to break up cuz it felt wrong, but didnt know how to say it (cuz it'd be my 5th time dumping him). well at the end of the night, he called me by his ex's name. that hurt. i was mad. i could've forgiven him over time & went back, but i kinda used that as an excuse to dump him officially again. havent talked to him in a couple days. staying busy w/ my friends.

i finished my real estate classes. just gotta study & pass the exam now... so i can finally start working for urban props & finally make some income. my goal is to move out by january (freeeeeak YEAH). i need money... to move out, clothes, books, hangin out, etc. so broke right now, it sucks. should be gettin some piano paychecks this week tho.

i have such a fun social life. i need to work on my career side tho.

Feel sad but also proud of myself. 

Mike and I met up to talk today. Not angry or anything. We started off joking and eased our way into the talk. He said his ex wants to get back together & would quit her stripping job for him this week. He wants to know if I want to be w/ him because if so, he'll drop her for me. He said I'm #1 over everyone else, so whoever he's with next depends on my decision. Even tho I still have feelings for him, I said the best thing is to separate cuz we'll always be on and off, too much drama. He gave up & just cried & said that he'll miss me. I'm gona miss him too. I already do. But we'll still be friends. I just miss him a lot right now. 

I hungout with Mark yesterday. Very fun. He's definitely a good guy. We're hanging out again. He graduated from johnshopkins & boston univ. So he's back in town now, but he got a job in san fran, so he'll be leaving end of july. He said, "u gona visit me, right?" We're not serious or anything. Just a couple dates since 2007 when he's in town. Ive avoided him a lottt cuz of ED, but not anymore. He's such a gentleman too. Definitely different from my ex's, which is why ive ran from him so often before. 

I got blonde highlights yesterday. Also got blue hair extensions, which look real. I love it.

Ive been hanging out w/ lots of friends lately. My friends mean the world to me. 

Havent relapsed w/ ED in weeks. Ive been eating a bit less, and sometimes I have the urge to binge, but not really. Its more of an urge to drink or go back to mike. But I wana try to stay sober from both of them. ED is the worst out of all addictions to me though. I hate ED. 

ha, did i say i love mike? scratch that. i dont give a bleep about him.

he can go back to his blonde stripper ex-girlfriend. it was partly my fault cuz i broke up w/ him on thurs, but still. he always talked about how much he hates her & he'll call the cops if she ever shows up on his property, how he'll NEVER date her again. well as soon as i break up w/ him, she's over at his place. haha. he tried to get back w/ me today. we had lunch together... then SHE calls. she wants to come over tonight. he doesnt know what to do... her or me. WHY is that such a hard decision. i made the decision for him instead & left. i texted him "ill never believe your BS again. im going to another guy so i hope things work out for you and her. you guys deserve each other. dont ever say you care or love me again. i dont believe in that bs. goodbye." 

no reply yet.

ill never go back to him.

guys SUCK.  

i love mike. we say i love you to each other now. i sleep and wake up next to him everyday & he gave me his house key. he is sooooo hot, haha. he's kinda addicted to working out so he's super buff. he takes steroids & his order came yesterday from poland. ive never seen them before. they come in small bottles & it looks like pee. 

oh! and my nose ring.... mMMMmMm looove it. mike loves it too. we're gona get a tattoo together this summer.

i cant belive this thing turned out to be serious/long term relationship. we both werent expecting this at all. i never expected to fall for him or care about him. but i do. weeeeird. he tells all his friends about me & ive talked to some on the phone & my pic is his cell phone background. he wants me to move in soon. he said he's not that ready & im not either. we're both honest w/ each other (at least i think he is). 

i felt like a wife this morning. we woke up together at 4am... very very nice. he got dressed for work. i put on his outfit for a while. he said i looked cute. we watched the news in his room while joking and laughing. he left for work. i washed the dishes from yesterdays dinner. i made the bed & hung his clothes. then i went back to my parents. his place feels like home to me.

i think i love him. weird. 

im gettin a nose ring today. excited.

i havent binged in a long time & it feels really good.

mike and i are 'committed' now. exclusive. it started out a fling, not attached, just for fun, whatever. but we're both surprised by how close & attached we've gotten (since we see each other all the time). we've opened up a lot and know each other real well. he told me some of his family secrets yesterday. his dad sexually abused his sister. his nephew raped her & just got out of prison for it yesterday. i think theres more but cant remember. he's come clean about his family. 

anyways, more is going on, but im tired.

things are good.  

oh yeah, mark is back. he just graduated and lives back home again. he's the one i really liked a lot last yr. we're going to dinner this week. definitely not tellin mike about that, he'd beat him up. not cheating on him or anything, but i am excited to hangout w/ mark.